Monday, November 9, 2009

Mafia Hairdresser Issues a Fatwa on Flip-Flops

"Just say no!
Your feet need to breathe, you say? Bullshit. Your feet are an appendage, not an organ that usurps air.
Easy to slip on? So is a Banana peel.
Fashionable? Yes. Some even have rhinestones. (Regretfully, I wish I thought of that.) But shoulder pads were in fashion once and we all regret that one. And no, shoulder pads are not coming back.
You like the freedom you feel in Flip-flops? This is America. Your freedom is an illusion. But nothing will prevent you more from attaining the new American dream of looking cute, climbing up the social ladder and being on a reality show more than looking dowdy and walking shlumpy.
Exposing your hooves to city dirt makes your pedicure choke and you'll end up galloping from The Water Tower to Saks like a farm animal while trying to avoid getting stepped on. And if you wear the damn things the country, you’ll get thorns up your toenails, weeds under your heels, or bitten by a rattlesnake.
Flip-flops are supposed to be worn to separate your feet from the athlete’s feet fungus on the gym shower floor or for walking on the hot sand at the beach. Wearing flip-flops outside the gym or the beach is like taking a "Mr. Grumpy" in front of your boyfriend. Not too many women can get away with that without stripping away what little bit of mystery one can only try to maintain in this void-of-privacy world.
Flip-flops force you to hunch with a Sasquatch-like squat while you loudly scuff the sidewalks all because you've been curling you toes to hold on to the damn slap-pads to the bottoms of your feet. Are you exercising your toes to work like monkey claws? Because you will certainly be able to snatch up lost change from the floor of a bus.
But hey, maybe the whole look does go with the short frilly skirts and crop tops that show "muffin." At least stop the accessorizing of these chiropractic contributing contraptions by adorning them with tacky Hello Kitty pusses that look up from the plastic that separates your big and second toe. A big peach-colored, plastic flower will just make your feet look like that of a fat androgynous forest hobbit. Men do not think dirty women’s feet with scrunched up toes with flowers on them, look hot. Men want to sleep with a classy woman in a simple black dress with nice flats or open-toed heels. They like fit sporty women who wear Nike’s which leaves her feet a sexy ambiguity. Think Jessica Biel in the daytime. Loud sneakers with a pair of pompom socks isn’t too cute either. But at least you’ll look a little athletic instead of resembling a dirt-poor peasant who has had to work in the diamond mines, and who also apparently has to take a dump by the way you are scuffing, hunching and walking in your fucking dirty flip-flops.”

I know, I know... But this is what the hairdresser in my second book writes about. (A writing hairdresser?!) I know, I know.

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