Von Bitch: A Mellow Drama

VON BITCH
An original screenplay by
Jessy

Scene: Twelfth floor hallway in a Toronto high-rise apartment complex. A door opens and TERRY a dead ringer for an uncreepy bald Tom Cruise walks into the hall and quietly shuts the door. He is wearing a lime-green tank top which has the words “VonBitch” stenciled across the chest and shows off his fabulous tan and defined workout body. Over one shoulder he has slung a meshed pet carrier with his cat, KITTY HOLMES inside. In his opposite hand he holds the leash connected to his dog, DAUGHTERGIRL. With his chin up, TERRY carries his cat and walks his dog only a few doors down to the elevators and pushes the button.
KITTY HOLMES is fussy and is mewing loudly. She does not like being out of the only apartment she has ever lived in.
TERRY taps his foot as minutes begin to pass. Suddenly, without warning, TERRY bursts into tears. TERRY and KITTY HOLMES seem like they are competing.
The same door which TERRY had just come through opens up and DICK, a tall, haggard and nervous looking man in a conservative gray suit (think Dr. Smith from the original Lost in Space series, in earth clothes) pops his head out to look at TERRY. This man is now TERRY’s ex-boyfriend, who is ten years younger (but yet who looks ten years older), than TERRY. DICK has tears of regret and guilt bleeding through his scheming, pallid blue eyes.

DICK
Are you going to be alright?

TERRY attempts to hold in his emotions.

TERRY
You’re the one who’s going to feel
guilty for, like, about a zillion years.

DICK
Are you going to write about this?

TERRY
I’m a writer, Dick. It’s who I am. It’s what I do.

A dam bursts from deep inside of TERRY. He did not want to cry and show his searing pain in front of DICK.
The elevator doors open. NUMBER ONE MAN in a business suit with briefcase is in the elevator. Bravely, TERRY takes a last look at DICK who appears like he just might hang himself after TERRY is gone. TERRY takes his screaming cat and silent dog into the elevator. The elevator door shuts.

Scene: Inside elevator.
Embarrassed to be crying in front of NUMBER ONE MAN, TERRY pulls it together for a moment. KITTY HOLMES’ cries are overwhelming and TERRY lets out brief burst of tears before he is startled quiet again as the elevator doors open up. DAUGHTERGIRL sits smugly on the floor.

Scene: high-rise apartment complex hallway in front of elevators: tenth floor.
NUMBER TWO MAN in a suit with briefcase stands at the opened elevator doors. Wet-eyed TERRY, mewing KITTY HOLMES, DAUGHTERGIRL and stunned NUMBER ONE MAN stare at the new would-be passenger. TERRY wipes his tears, assuring NUMBER TWO MAN that it is okay to enter the elevator. NUMBER TWO MAN reluctantly enters the elevator and turns around and exhales while facing the closing elevator doors.

Scene: Inside elevator.
TERRY, KITTY HOLMES, DAUGHTERGIRL, NUMBER ONE MAN, NUMBER TWO MAN in uncomfortable silence, until...

TERRY
I just broke up with my boyfriend.

NUMBER ONE MAN nods. NUMBER TWO MAN frowns.
KITTY HOLMES begins to meow loudly again. DAUGHTERGIRL wags her tail.

Scene: ninth floor hallway in a Toronto high-rise apartment complex.
NUMBER THREE MAN in a suit holding a newspaper views the following as the doors open: TERRY in a lime-green “Von Bitch” tank top sniffling with a duffel bag over one shoulder and a mewing KITTY HOLMES in a cat carrier over his other. NUMBER ONE MAN stares straight ahead and NUMBER TWO MAN rolls his eyes. DAUGHTERGIRL moves to the back of the elevator and sits down.
NUMBER TWO MAN slightly shakes his head to NUMBER THREE MAN who decides to get onto the elevator anyway. The door closes.

Scene: Inside elevator.
TERRY begins to cry again. NUMBER ONE MAN, NUMBER TWO MAN, NUMBER THREE MAN all startle. KITTY HOLMES mews. DAUGHTERGIRL yawns.

NUMBER ONE MAN
He just broke up with his boyfriend.

NUMBER THREE MAN
Oh.

TERRY nods in agreement as he cries.

NUMBER TWO MAN
You were with Dick, on twelve, right?

TERRY
(nods)
I’ve wasted months of my life. Months.

NUMBER ONE MAN
Maybe you’ll get back together?

TERRY
Yeah. No.

Number Three Man
I know Dick…

NUMBER TWO MAN rolls his eyes again.
The door opens again. In the hall facing the elevator, NUMBER FOUR MAN in a suit with briefcase looks in.
NUMBER FOUR MAN gets into the elevator and turns around.

TERRY
He was selling Ecstasy. Ecstasy!
The elevator doors close.

Scene: sixth floor hallway in a Toronto high-rise apartment complex.
NUMBER FIVE MAN views the following as the doors open:
TERRY bawling, KITTY HOLMES mewing loudly, DAUGHTERGIRL barks once. NUMBER ONE MAN ignoring all, NUMBER TWO MAN shaking his head, NUMBER THREE MAN man rubbing his chin, NUMBER FOUR MAN scowling.

NUMBER TWO MAN
I was wondering how he could afford
to live in this building at his age.

Scene: Inside elevator.
TERRY cries. NUMBER ONE MAN, NUMBER TWO MAN, NUMBER THREE MAN, NUMBER FOUR MAN all take a few side glances to each other and then look straight ahead.
NUMBER FIVE MAN tries to be inconspicuous. KITTY HOLMES suddenly stops mewing. DAUGHTERGIRL lays down on the floor and sighs.

TERRY
I’m going back to Chicago where it’s warm.
And I never want to see a small dick again.

TERRY stops bawling long enough and begins to smile at what he has just done and said in front of these men on their way to work. YVETTE MEW MEW starts mewing again.
NUMBER FIVE MAN shrinks into a corner as the rest of the standing men in the elevator begin to chuckle.

NUMBER ONE MAN
He just broke up with Dick on twelve.

NUMBER TWO MAN
Dick has a small dick.

NUMBER FIVE MAN nods.
NUMBER FOUR MAN
So, Dick sells Ecstasy?

NUMBER ONE MAN frowns. NUMBER TWO MAN raises his eyebrows. TERRY starts laughing through tears. NUMBER FIVE MAN cowers. All the men in the elevator, except for NUMBER FIVE MAN giggle and laugh.

TERRY
He was too young for me anyway.

NUMBER TWO MAN
Small dick.

NUMBER ONE MAN
So you really think Chicago is warmer than Toronto?

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